Forever Bound

08:39 pm September 20th, 2005




			a lurking silhouette - Forever Bound

bottled_angst


	Forever Bound
	He didn’t even open his eyes all the way anymore. Always half closed, or half opened. Laying forever at his bed, as if he was bound to it. She entered the room to sit by him. “Let’s go, Sloth,” she spoke, but her voice was no longer gentle. “But I don’t want to. I’m tired,” he whined. He rolled himself to her. “You’re always at your bed,” she responded. “But I always am tired. And you know it too.” He looked up at her. Though he was a small child full of purity, only with the deadly violet venom filled his eyes. “You aren’t tired, you’re just lazy. Besides you don’t even need rest. Now get up, you have to help me perform miracles at Lior.” She made a beautiful smile as she always did, just now without a hint of innocence. “Do I absolutely have to?” he replied as his hand went through her white bang to her deep black hair. She stood up, and looked at him. The red serpent touched his cheek, and he flinched. “This is order by Mother and Pride, and yes we have to go.” She was by the door now, waiting for him to get up. “Alright, alright.” He stood up and moved out of his room. It’s been awhile but everything was still the same. Except for the burnt cheek he received from the former Holy Saint. But that was gone too, soon as the door was shut. _____________________________________________________________________ yeah, thanks for critisms, and i edited some stuff out and in ^^ Tags:* faultywish, fics Current Mood: content Current Music: rain-yoko kanno

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	Comments

	From: leasspell_dael	Date: September 22nd, 2005 12:41 am (UTC)		(Link)

I enjoyed the story overall (see my comment at

faulty_wish), but I did notice a few grammar mistakes that could use correcting:

“Let’s go, Sloth” she spoke, but her voice was no longer gentle. There needs to be a comma after Sloth, before the closing quotation mark. Same problem in the next line.

“You’re always at your bed.” She responded. First period should be a comma, and "She" should have a lower-case 's'.

“Do I absolutely have to?” he replied as he went through her white bang to her dark brown hair. This is a bit unclear. Is he looking at her hair, touching it, or something else?

Except for the burnt cheek he received from former Holy Saint. Needs a "the" between 'from' and 'former'.

I hope that helps some! And thanks for writing the story. I enjoyed it. :)

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	From: bottled_angst	Date: September 22nd, 2005 02:53 am (UTC)		(Link)

thank you ;;
i suck at english xD

yey ^^

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	From: leasspell_dael	Date: September 22nd, 2005 07:26 pm (UTC)		(Link)

No problem. If you'd like I could beta some stuff for you. I'll just warn you that I can be really slow with replies sometimes, but I'd try my best. Just a thought. If you're not interested, that's okay. :)

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	From: bottled_angst	Date: September 23rd, 2005 03:54 am (UTC)		(Link)

whats beta?
like proof reading?

if so i would love you to xD

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	From: leasspell_dael	Date: September 23rd, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Beta is short for "beta reader", which means a second person to go over an author's work and give C&C before it's posted for the public. I'm personally more used to the term pre-reader, but most people in this fandom tend to use beta, so I thought it might be more familiar. Sorry. ^^;

Anytime you want me to look over something, just drop me a line: wisdom_nynaeve@lycos.com.

What kind of C&C would you like? Plain grammar check, like above, or full comments and criticism?

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	From: bottled_angst	Date: September 23rd, 2005 11:26 pm (UTC)		(Link)

i guess full critisms would be great xD

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